Monday, July 8, 2013

Twice As Nice

Look who’s back with a brand new rap! Yes, it’s me. So, two months off without even a peep; who gives a rat’s ass. The main reason I have had off is revision. You know, that period when you forget everything and try and drastically learn the whole course in a couple of months – yes, that’s revision.
               I don’t know how much you know about me, but I study Computing and IT, also known as nerd studies. They try and convince me that a bunch of 1s and 0s is how computers work. All I know is that if we were in maths, and teacher said, “What’s 110110 + 111000,” the answer aint redtube. But that’s a crazy idea isn’t it? You get all these ones and all these zeroes, and suddenly you have windows 8. I say we stick a two in there and really fuck things up.

(sorry if I’m boring you)

                So yeah, the idea comes from 1s and 0s being like a light switch. You got a 1 when the light is on, and a 0 when it is off. I’d like to see Bill Gates’ face when he opens up my computer and asks, “what’s that?” – It’s a fucking dimmer switch, that’s what it is. “Well, what does it do?” – it makes the light go as bright or dim as you like, does it take a billion dollars to tell you that?

(still rambling about computers)

                They say that the computers that sent the man to the moon have the same processing power as a pocket calculator. What brilliant person decided to put a rocket guidance system on a calculator? I’ll tell you what mine has – a build in solar panel in case it runs out of batteries. Should have paid the extra quid, and then I could have gone to the moon.  But seriously, the same power as a pocket calc? If it’s that easy to go to the moon, then why haven’t they gone back? Well, it’s all down to a delicate recipe of one part petrol prices, and one part health and safety.

                It aint 50 pence a gallon anymore! And the moment you stick a label on it saying ‘liable to blow up unless we get lucky’, people aren’t too happy. Let’s face it, that’s why we left the space race – too much bloody paperwork. Although, to be fair, we would have had a Dreamliner incident. Obviously someone forgot the ‘does not catch fire’ tickbox on the paperwork.

(and on to the Dreamliner)

                But really, after such a devastating series of tests, who on earth let it fly? “Right, we’re going to launch a plane, but it might catch fire, and engines might not work all of the time.” I bet someone got a hell of a shouting at for that one. It’s like Rolls Royce turning around and saying, “Yes, all the luxury of Rolls Royce, but we’ve put a moped engine in the front, and Kim Jong-un in the boot.”

(moving on)

                So, July already, I fell asleep just after writing my last blog in May, and I’ve only just woken up again. Just messing (because you hadn’t already guessed that). July though! The longest day has come and gone and now we’re on the back 9. I can already hear some of you going, “This moron knows there’s 12 months in a year, right?” Of course I do! It’s a golf saying, idiots. “Hmm, thought they always shouted ‘four’.”


So yes, like I said, I’ve had 2 months off. So, me being the nice and likeable person that I am, decided to give you a double dose of the D Wulf magic. Sure, that sounds slightly rude, but I was only talking about the blog (sorry to ruin your day).

                Yeah, so who watched the agonising men’s final of Wimbledon? Yes, the tense dance between the Serbian and the British. And then, just as Murray won, the camera pans over, and an official looking person changes his passport to say ‘British’.

                But seriously, who on earth made up the scoring system in tennis? 15, 30, 40? It’s like they went round a table in Norfolk, and everyone was counting their fingers.

                No wonder kids are so bad at maths, it’s all tennis’ fault! Then again, ask them how many fries are in a happy meal and they get it dead right every time.

                Child obesity seems to be all you hear about nowadays though. All over the papers, fattest in Europe blah blah blah. Well, while other countries criticise, we’re just waiting for eating to be an Olympic sport. You can move over Americans, ‘cos we got a 12 year old powerhouse who’s gonna sink that golden burger! Imagine that though, on one side of the field you have sprinters doing the 100m in 8 seconds, you got fatties on the other side doing 100 burgers in 8 seconds. To be fair, that would be the greatest sport ever. Or, just blow away the record books and stick a burger at the end of the 100m – all of a sudden you have a competitor whose weight is greater than all of the other competitors combined, but can still run it in under 7 seconds; sounds like a plan!

                Whilst obesity is becoming a problem in society, a recurring story that does make me laugh is the one about micropigs. Every now and again on Daybreak, you get some old dear, “I thought I was buying a micropig, then just two weeks later, he couldn’t fit through the door.” Seriously, when will these people learn? They have just found a pig, called it a ‘micropig’ and stolen a couple hundred quid off you. Nothing more, nothing less.

                So yeah, that’s pretty much it for the epic return of Pesto Lashing and Waiter Bashing. I don’t know if you were expecting something funnier, but this is all you got. And who knows when I will post again (like a shit villain really, “when will I strike again”). When will I strike the keys again, and post a delicious recipe of words? Who knows!

                Enough, rambling, see you all soon. Maybe a week, maybe a month. All I can say is … keep smiling!

D Wulf.

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