Monday, July 8, 2013

Twice As Nice

Look who’s back with a brand new rap! Yes, it’s me. So, two months off without even a peep; who gives a rat’s ass. The main reason I have had off is revision. You know, that period when you forget everything and try and drastically learn the whole course in a couple of months – yes, that’s revision.
               I don’t know how much you know about me, but I study Computing and IT, also known as nerd studies. They try and convince me that a bunch of 1s and 0s is how computers work. All I know is that if we were in maths, and teacher said, “What’s 110110 + 111000,” the answer aint redtube. But that’s a crazy idea isn’t it? You get all these ones and all these zeroes, and suddenly you have windows 8. I say we stick a two in there and really fuck things up.

(sorry if I’m boring you)

                So yeah, the idea comes from 1s and 0s being like a light switch. You got a 1 when the light is on, and a 0 when it is off. I’d like to see Bill Gates’ face when he opens up my computer and asks, “what’s that?” – It’s a fucking dimmer switch, that’s what it is. “Well, what does it do?” – it makes the light go as bright or dim as you like, does it take a billion dollars to tell you that?

(still rambling about computers)

                They say that the computers that sent the man to the moon have the same processing power as a pocket calculator. What brilliant person decided to put a rocket guidance system on a calculator? I’ll tell you what mine has – a build in solar panel in case it runs out of batteries. Should have paid the extra quid, and then I could have gone to the moon.  But seriously, the same power as a pocket calc? If it’s that easy to go to the moon, then why haven’t they gone back? Well, it’s all down to a delicate recipe of one part petrol prices, and one part health and safety.

                It aint 50 pence a gallon anymore! And the moment you stick a label on it saying ‘liable to blow up unless we get lucky’, people aren’t too happy. Let’s face it, that’s why we left the space race – too much bloody paperwork. Although, to be fair, we would have had a Dreamliner incident. Obviously someone forgot the ‘does not catch fire’ tickbox on the paperwork.

(and on to the Dreamliner)

                But really, after such a devastating series of tests, who on earth let it fly? “Right, we’re going to launch a plane, but it might catch fire, and engines might not work all of the time.” I bet someone got a hell of a shouting at for that one. It’s like Rolls Royce turning around and saying, “Yes, all the luxury of Rolls Royce, but we’ve put a moped engine in the front, and Kim Jong-un in the boot.”

(moving on)

                So, July already, I fell asleep just after writing my last blog in May, and I’ve only just woken up again. Just messing (because you hadn’t already guessed that). July though! The longest day has come and gone and now we’re on the back 9. I can already hear some of you going, “This moron knows there’s 12 months in a year, right?” Of course I do! It’s a golf saying, idiots. “Hmm, thought they always shouted ‘four’.”


So yes, like I said, I’ve had 2 months off. So, me being the nice and likeable person that I am, decided to give you a double dose of the D Wulf magic. Sure, that sounds slightly rude, but I was only talking about the blog (sorry to ruin your day).

                Yeah, so who watched the agonising men’s final of Wimbledon? Yes, the tense dance between the Serbian and the British. And then, just as Murray won, the camera pans over, and an official looking person changes his passport to say ‘British’.

                But seriously, who on earth made up the scoring system in tennis? 15, 30, 40? It’s like they went round a table in Norfolk, and everyone was counting their fingers.

                No wonder kids are so bad at maths, it’s all tennis’ fault! Then again, ask them how many fries are in a happy meal and they get it dead right every time.

                Child obesity seems to be all you hear about nowadays though. All over the papers, fattest in Europe blah blah blah. Well, while other countries criticise, we’re just waiting for eating to be an Olympic sport. You can move over Americans, ‘cos we got a 12 year old powerhouse who’s gonna sink that golden burger! Imagine that though, on one side of the field you have sprinters doing the 100m in 8 seconds, you got fatties on the other side doing 100 burgers in 8 seconds. To be fair, that would be the greatest sport ever. Or, just blow away the record books and stick a burger at the end of the 100m – all of a sudden you have a competitor whose weight is greater than all of the other competitors combined, but can still run it in under 7 seconds; sounds like a plan!

                Whilst obesity is becoming a problem in society, a recurring story that does make me laugh is the one about micropigs. Every now and again on Daybreak, you get some old dear, “I thought I was buying a micropig, then just two weeks later, he couldn’t fit through the door.” Seriously, when will these people learn? They have just found a pig, called it a ‘micropig’ and stolen a couple hundred quid off you. Nothing more, nothing less.

                So yeah, that’s pretty much it for the epic return of Pesto Lashing and Waiter Bashing. I don’t know if you were expecting something funnier, but this is all you got. And who knows when I will post again (like a shit villain really, “when will I strike again”). When will I strike the keys again, and post a delicious recipe of words? Who knows!

                Enough, rambling, see you all soon. Maybe a week, maybe a month. All I can say is … keep smiling!

D Wulf.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Send A Pigeon

Well, my internet keeps going down, and that really pisses me off! You would think that Mr Branson would be able to keep the country folk of Norfolk connected to the internet. I mean, we don’t ask for a lot. Even a pigeon would suffice. You know, strap a message to its leg, away it goes. 2 days later, you get a print out of a Wikipedia page. Actually, this pigeon idea sounds a lot faster than my internet when it is working!

                But you don’t realise how much of your life you spend on that cloud beyond your computer we call the internet. Seriously, it’s scary! Imagine a world without technology, and most of us would just be standing there with our fingers up our arses. I’m sure there are some people who already are!

                Think about it. You see something funny happen, or something amazing – you can’t tweet anyone. You can’t update your Facebook status. The most you can do is tell the man next to you at the bus stop, who gives you a resounding, “fuck off.

                And say you want to go somewhere. All of a sudden you can’t use your Google maps or your sat-nav. Back in the day, they had something called a map. I know, not a clue either. Basically, it is a drawing of your surrounding area. A bit like what you see in Call Of Duty, but bigger, so you can’t see the car in front of you. And then you use this drawing to try and find where you’re going. What an insane idea.

                And forget your Xbox and your Playstation, how about a wooden hoop and a stick? Conkers? I can see the blank expression on your face right now.

                But that’s scary aint it. Our whole world revolves around technology. Little 1s and 0s shooting up and down wires control out whole lives.  Without those 1s and 0s we wouldn’t be able to hear that Justin Bieber was attacked – and laugh. Or that One Direction is still making music – and cry.

                Technology has consumed us, whether it is staring into the magic window in the lounge, or constantly typing away on our smartphones, it is everywhere.

                You speak to an old person, and you will hear countless stories about all random things, and I reckon that when we get old, we didn’t have any of those experiences. Somehow, starting a story with, “This one time on Gran Turismo…” doesn’t quite cut it.

                So I dare ya, call it a D Wulf challenge, to cut yourself off from technology for a day. Turn off the TV, turn off the smartphone, catch the horse to work, and experience real life.

"This one time I went outside, and the graphics were amazing. The gameplay was shit though."

And there we have it, another long-awaited dose of the D Wulf magic. And if you didn’t like it, well, what else would you have done with that 5 minutes of your life?
 (probably hurled more abuse at Philip Schofield on Twitter)

Keep Smiling,
D Wulf!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

You Study What!?

Alright folks, I had a few days off, but here I am.

It’s almost May!? Where on earth has this year gone? I’m sure it was Christmas yesterday! At this rate, tomorrow will be bonfire night!

May 6th is ‘May Day’, the first bank holiday in May. Surely every day  in May is ‘May Day’. What a load of rubbish. I’m all for fun-loving public holidays, but you have to have a reason. You can’t just stand there and say, “Er…well…it’s May, so we needed one.” – bollocks.

                You need a decent reason, like Jesus was born, or Jesus came back as a zombie. Or even throw in a few special ones, like ‘Let’s pretend we care about whatshisface getting married Day’.

                All going on, another excuse the drink. And that’s another thing! A public holiday on a Monday, what a waste. Make it a Friday at least.

                Anyways, moving on.

                I was thinking the other day about the last day at school or college, or whatever. Remember how everyone was going to stay in touch, and always be best friends and all that shit. Well, turns out it’s all lies.

                No, seriously, if it wasn’t for Facebook and Twitter, you wouldn’t even speak to your schoolfriends. It’s crazy. You know someone for 5 or so years, and then  they go off to university to ‘find themselves’ and they disappear off the face of the earth.

                I do find that though. You talk to these students, and most of them went to uni so that they could ‘find themselves’ or ‘wanted something to do’. Well, here’s the deal; I found you. Tag, you’re it, or whatever. Now here’s what you can do, do something that matters. Turns out studying Harry Potter studies won’t benefit society that much.

                And yes, I know it’s a great experience, and it’s just as about the social as the academic, but you’re never going to apply your joint degree of ‘waste management and dance’ to anything.

                I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking I’m hating on everyone, and nobody should have the chance to better themselves. Wrong. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying if you are going to better yourself, you have to come out the other end better than when you started. Having the rest of your life having to admit you have a degree in puppetry is not coming out better.

                So, by all means, thrive! The world is your oyster, or some other rubbish like that.

                To fully understand what I am talking about, I am going to mention some of the craziest degrees that you can pursue. I’ll let you decide whether it is amazing or amazingly bad.

                Roll the tape:

  • Parapsychology (ghosts and all that)
  • Golf studies
  • Stained glass
  • The Simpsons and Philosophy
  • (alternatively) Star Trek and Philosophy
  • Phallus Studies
  • Harry Potter
  • David Beckham

So there we have it. I’ll let you decide on whether it is a good idea to pursue any of these degrees.

Keep Smiling,
D Wulf.